A bunch of confessions

Hey, Dapper Dan
You've both got your style
But Brother,
You're never fully dressed
Without a smile!

This is one of my all time favorite songs from one of my favorite movies, ANNIE.  I used to watch this daily as a child. 
You're never fully dressed without a smile. (Video Link)

I try my hardest to have a smile on my face most of the time.  Confession is that this has become a great method to hide my actual emotions.  I realize this, I am working on it. 

Confession #1 Max has been having a very hard time.  It would appear by pictures posted that he is doing well, and in some areas, yes this is the truth.  But Max has been very tough lately.  He is having manic episodes, combined with very down crying episodes.  This started about 6 months ago and it has escalated from home to school.
Last night Max took all the food out of the fridge, organized it by size, shape and color.  And while creative and funny it was the start of a downward spiral.  His brain and body start moving fast, he makes no sense and starts a very scary and upsetting 1-2 hour manic episode.  Last night he broke all the eggs on the floor, slammed his head on the wall, screamed at the top of his lungs while running and throwing all of his toys, and at the end peed all over the food that was on the table.  Then as if I turned off a switch in his brain he stops.  He crashes.  He cried and says "I so sorry Mommy" and places his head on my lap.  Then with the help of melatonin he sleeps.  This is every night.  It is exhausting and very concerning.  

Confession #2 Max had an MRI about a month ago.  Max has stress spots all over his brain.  As much as a 40-50 year old man.  He doesn't have seizures, but this is just a scary.  Your brain has natural stress spots, most disappear and heal.  Max shouldn't have many, he is 4.  But his brain goes 100 miles per hour until he eventually crashes.  He can't self regulate.  It is effecting his whole life. 

Confession #3 We are going to a psychologist next week.  We need some help and guidance.  While medication isn't the answer for everyone, and every child.  We have done everything in our power to help him.   We know there is a stigma about medications and being evaluated, but we need help.  We need to advocate for Max because he can't advocate for himself. 

Confession #4 Will and I are not super parents.  We are not stronger, wiser, more amazing, or better than any other parent.  We have two boys who need a lot of TLC, and any parent would do the same given the situation.  You would.  You could.  I am friends with a lot of parents in the special needs community and every one of them of course has days where they wish their child could have a "typical" childhood, but they wouldn't change their child.  Max and Dexter have made me a better person, not just a mother, but an overall person.  I am more accepting of others, I am more patient, I am a better teacher, wife and friend. 

These two boys have opened my eyes to the world of Autism.  And I am so proud to be a part of it.