Heartfelt Mom Post - Being kind to one another

This weekend was hard.
Friday Max went on a wonderful field trip to the Natural Curiosity Museum in Lehi, Utah.  It was really fun for our family and he had a blast. 

The museum is loud, has a lot of lights, sounds, colors, and even though he had a great time I knew the rest of the day was going to be hard.  His brain was on overdrive.  He was overstimulated and overwhelmed.  One thing after another made him panic, cry, tantrum, and get upset.  He destroyed his bedroom, smeared poop on the walls (I will spare you the picture) and crashed by 7pm. 

Being overstimulated is something that Max deals with on a regular basis.  He has some coping methods, but he almost 4, not almost 12.  When he is really overwhelmed he flaps his arms, hits his head, screams, cries, and acts out.  Will and I try our best to prepare him for a situation, but there is no way we can predict how he will react. 

This is a GREAT video that shows what sensory overload is like. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcS2VUoe12M

Church is very hard for him.  He does well in small groups, but the large sacrament meeting, with sounds coming from everywhere, bright lights, and a lot of people his senses are on overdrive.  Just imagine closing your eyes in a large room.  There are sounds everywhere, feet moving on the floor, people talking, shifting of body parts, the building cracks and noises, etc.  Max hears and sees everything, and it is all very hard on his brain. If he gets to overwhelmed he then either acts out, cries, runs away,  physically hurts himself or others, or tries his best to use coping skills to deal with the situation. This is what Autism looks like.  This is what Max deals with daily. 

So if you see us at church or any social event it might look like this: playing with trains (toys), he might be laying on the floor watching the wheels to calm himself, letting him jump up and down, spin in circles in the doorway or hallway of a building, letting him play on the iphone or ipad, allowing him to use his voice to tell us what is wrong.  He might repeat the same thing over and over and get louder and louder, and of course we will explain to him what is appropriate for the situation but we can't predict his outbursts.  He might hit his head with his hands, or run from us even after calling his name over and over.  This is all normal. These things are not an indication of our lack of parenting, this is us trying to help our child cope with the world.  Because his world can be lonely, scary, and really hard.

Yesterday I put on my facebook:  Be kind to one another. Judging hurts at any age and in any situation.

On the outside Max looks like a typical (almost) 4 year old.  He is taller than his peers.   He is now in the 100% for height and the 80% for weight.  He wears boys clothes not toddler clothes anymore. He is expect to communicate like a 4 or 5 year old.  But he is about 2 years behind those of his peers.  People stare at him, and that is okay, he doesn't notice for now.  But he will.  And Will and I notice, we notice the whispers, and the faces of those who are judging the way my child is acting.  Will and I have heard it all, we have watched adults and children laugh at Max.  It hurts.  Max one day will notice, and we will be there to love and support him.  To tell him how special he is, how smart he is, and how lucky he is to have so many people who DO support him.  I know we have so many who support us, who care for us, and pray for our family, but that doesn't take the hurt of that one judgmental comment away.  Will and I are human, trying to be super heroes to both our special boys. 

Our parenting style has to be different, it has to look different, and that is okay.  Just because we are doing things our way doesn't make it wrong. Max has taught me to be more compassionate, to care more, to be more understanding of all people.  I adore him and his unique traits.  I have learned more about trains, firetrucks, Pocoyo, and construction sites than I ever thought possible.  I have also learned how valuable friendships are and how important it is to have a village to help raise a child. 

How big is a crowd?

Will and I have always noticed Max hates crowds, large gatherings and events with a lot of noise. 
His first birthday was loud, the singing made him cry, there were way to many people, and all the attention was on him.  Disaster. 
Last year on the Fourth of July Max was really shaken up by the fireworks, the loud noise, and all the lights.  We learned our lesson.  He doesn't like surprises.  He doesn't like when he doesn't know people in big crowds.  This has actually gotten worse as he gets older. 
Holidays are hard.  He knows something exciting is happening.  He knows there is an increased excitement, and that overwhelms him instead of making him excited.  Most kids would find excitement in the different schedule, the anticipation of a party or family gathering.  It gives Max extreme anxiety.  Most of the time at a party you will find Max playing by himself in a room where it is quiet. 
A few weeks ago we went to a good friends house for their sweet daughters first birthday party.  Max knew most of the people there.  But it was a new house and it was loud for Max.  They had a great play room that was off to the side and Max stayed there the whole time.  He doesn't eat cake, so to him he didn't miss anything. 
Max likes routine.  He likes Gerald to be close by.  He likes to know his blankets are near.  He likes being home.  He likes his cars, trains and trucks.  He is very particular with how he eats and how he drinks his milk and apple juice.  He has OCD tendencies and gets very overwhelmed and upset when something isn't part of the normal routine. 

Gerald, Blanket, and Mickey Blanket.

Max likes driving in the car.  He likes being in his car seat.  It is tight and safe.  He could drive around for hours.  He loves pointing out all the trucks on the highway.  It is familiar and safe.  We actually have started taking him for drives when the day has been hard.  

The focus is astounding. 

 Things we have learned that help Max:
-If we are going somewhere new we will let the people know that we might not be able to stay long, or even make it into the house.  Most people have been very understanding and have offered help when needed. 
-We talk to those who are at the party and let them know that Max will most likely be on his own planet, but he is okay and he isn't trying to be rude.  He is trying to figure out how to make himself feel comfortable. 
-We bring Gerald and Blankets to all new places.
-We always have a cup of chocolate milk or apple juice. 
-Talking to Max a few days in advance about what will happen does help.  For example we watched Curious George Halloween everyday for the whole month of October so Max would understand Halloween.  And it worked for the trick or treating part, which we thought was actually going to be the hardest part of the day. 
-We now can notice signs of him being overwhelmed before he gets to the tantrum, out of control, crying behaviors.  And when we notice these signs we leave, or remove him from the activity, place we are at, etc. 
-We avoid certain stores, times of the day to go out, and places where a lot of people are gathered.  Max loves walking around the mall but doesn't like it when it is crowded.  So we go during the day, when it is almost empty. 

We adjust.  We learn.  Sometimes we are shocked at how good he is handling a situation, and other times we realize that we made a mistake and shouldn't have brought Max into an environment that worries him, or gives him anxiety.  

And we laugh.  A lot.  Because Max is learning how to be himself, with all his quirks, and it is funny.

One Singular Sensation.